Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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