I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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