First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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