...so i touched it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
