I'm so fucking centered right now
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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