I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
