God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I lost the right to judge tonight
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
