I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize