He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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