He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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