im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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