I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
