my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
