now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
