are you still at the devil's house?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
