when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
