First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
