i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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