i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
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