So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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