just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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