Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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