On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
