forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
