So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
