Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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