my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
