so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
