go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
