he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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