I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize