We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
