This is not my ceiling
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
