census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
