wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
