Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
