Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
