Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
