i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
