I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
