On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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