a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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