if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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