i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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