I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
