Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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