4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
