your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
