I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
