I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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