All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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