her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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