Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
