You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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