I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize