He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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