Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
