I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
