It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
