it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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