im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
