Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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